🤔 In my head
Or the struggles to be a present parent while being a obsessed founder.
I like it in my head. Spending time daydreaming. Thinking out fantastical things. Wondering, what if? Imagining, but how?
Ever since I was a kid my imagination and by extension, “being in my head”, has been a constant companion.
It aligns well with being a founder. When you’re constantly taking in inspiration from the outside world and turning it over and over and over again in your head. Examining this puzzle piece and working to figure out how it fits in the overall.
Creative meandering.
It’s also living in the future, in the Future Distortion Field (FDF), working to make the rest of the world catch up.
It’s work that doesn’t adhere to a timetable though. There’s no “be in your head” time blocked out on my calendar. No 9-5pm it follows. In fact, being in your head often happens when I’m out in the world, living, observing, doing.
I love it but of course it needs its boundaries. Because left to its own devices, I’d be in my head all the time and not shipping anything. Or, I’m that person who’s “here” but not “here”.
Lucky for me - I have those boundaries built in for me. Being a parent means you’re never left to your own devices for very long. But therein also lies the challenge.
It’s a beautiful privilege that I get to come home to a cacophony of humans. My 8yo with constant questions and curiosities. My 11 yo with fresh sass to dole out. But if I was noodling a tricky user question or trying to work out how a new product flow might work, that work has to halt at my metaphorical work door.
All visions of the Future I want to live in vanish as soon as I step foot in the Present.
And likely this is good for me. For my family. Because then, I can be truly present, in the moment. Which is great for my relationships. But just so much harder to get back into my “headspace” I left.
These hours spent outside the FDF are good for me as a human and a parent and a partner, but they undoubtedly make my life harder as a founder.
Each morning I have to work to get back to context. It’s almost like that movie with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler and she loses her short term memory - 50 First Dates. Each morning I need to remind myself where we left off. It’s not undoable, it’s just energy and effort that is hard to come by.
And apparently, thankfully, I’m not alone. A spontaneous tweet expressing my challenge found others struggling with the same.
And yet, here is the reality I’ve been dealt with and so there is only figuring it out.
What I find works for me:
1. 🌤️1-2 hours early in the morning. Never having been a morning person, I now wake up at 5:30am and try to get in an hour or two of thinking done in the quiet of a coffee shop before returning to all the bedlam by 7:30am. It’s not a lot but it’s a gift to get an hour to knock out the hardest things before anyone has interrupted thoughts. The challenge here is to not look at my phone or emails or anything beforehand.
2. 💨 More specific goals with shorter timelines. I struggle the most with efforts that requires multiple days of intense, uninterrupted focus to get over the line. But when we have short, one week efforts with crazy defined goals, the time I have to spend in my head is less and the time I do get, I can dedicate to the big hairy, on the horizon problems.
3. ⏰ 3 days week with dedicated focus. This one isn’t available to most, but I’ve found it’s the only way I can make it work for me right now. From 6am Tues to 8pm Thurs most weeks, I’m in SF, working with my cofounder. In that time I only worry about one context, one set of problems and needs. It’s not forever but for now it’s critical.
4. 😴 Disciplined routines. To protect my headspace, I now drink very little alcohol, I’m getting back to working out everyday, even just for 20 minutes, and I relish my sleep. A modest price to pay I think if it keeps me in top fighting form.
5. 📝 Write thoughts down when and how they come. I’ve taken to jotting down notes or recording voice memos when random inspiration strikes so I can come back to it.
I suppose the thing I’m trying to articulate is: being a founder requires more than just the hours. It requires a mental focus and obsession that runs very counter to being a good friend or partner or parent.
Perhaps on the first two relationships we can find understanding and accommodating humans. But kids don’t get it. And they shouldn’t have to. All they feel is the distance - even if you’re sitting beside them. So I don’t expect them to. It’s up to me to figure it out.
Like any part of my life - I have no answers. Only the questions and the willing to constantly test, evaluate and iterate.
There are always tradeoffs - I understand that. But being that I have been called and compelled to build in this phase of my life and being that I’m not willing to sacrifice my relationships with my family, it’s the single most important question I keep in front of me each day as I choose what I spend my precious time and energy on.
It’s far from perfect but who ever asked for that? I’ll take the beautiful mess - in and out of my head.